BEAR PHILLIPS | The Feminist Love Coach
bearphillips1.substack.com
Substack is my home for monthly articles on love, intimacy and relationships, deep-diving into themes of sex, pleasure, consent and rupture & repair. It is also where I have published draft chapters of my upcoming book, Feminism Will Make a Man out of You!
“For those moments when we are triggered and dysregulated by life’s ups and downs, having your own personalised Emotional First Aid kit can be super helpful.
Why? Because when we’re in the midst of a trauma response, parts of the brain literally go dark.1 In those moments, we can struggle to think of what will support us to soothe and regulate – to come back to ourselves with the embodied knowledge that we’ll be okay. That “I’ve got this”.
The key is to prepare everything before any triggering occurs, when you can still think clearly and plan ahead.”
“Last year I was involved in supporting an accountability process.
I learnt so much about the nature of repair, of accountability, of the impacts of trauma and the importance of nervous system regulation. The questions I found myself asking were…
How do we manage conflict when it arises? What are our self-defensive mechanisms? How do we navigate accountability and personal responsibility? And how can we navigate repair with those closest to us?”
“Play-parties and Temple nights can be challenging for the most experienced of us. Old insecurities can catch us unawares. Perceived rejections can really smart.
But I remember the pain of being new to Temple spaces too: The sense of always being on the outside. The resentment I felt toward other men for seemingly having it so easy. The shame I felt in myself at what felt like not being enough: Good-looking enough. Confident and self-assured enough. Knowledgeable and skilled enough in the sensual and sexual arts.”
“This is a story of transformation. One of extraordinary courage to break a lifetime’s conditioning to reclaim a life of sexual and relational sovereignty – a reclamation of the right to exist, and recovery from a lifetime of shame. It’s about the discovery of pleasure and intimacy as a source of healing and liberation.”
“Consent, as an idea and a practice, is a living, breathing proposition.
We might think we know everything there is to know about it, but not only are theories of consent in a constant state of evolution, so are we!
We are changing, evolving and growing, with every passing day. You are not the same person you were yesterday. Your Yes’s and your No’s may be different than they were 5 minutes ago. They might be different from the very last breath you took!
So it follows that our understanding of consent will also change.”
“Kickstarting 2026 with another draft chapter from the book I’ve been working on, Feminism Will Make a Man Out of You!. This chapter is particularly close to my heart and describes one of three experiences with conscious kink that, in many ways, changed my life.
I’m learning so much about writing creative nonfiction and self-help, and always grateful for feedback! What lands? What resonates? What connects and what doesn’t? I’d love to hear from you!”
“Building a Culture of Repair is at the heart of *Safer S+ Spaces* – an initiative, by the community and for the community, seeking to make s x-positive spaces safer for all of us.”
We get to do this by normalising difficult conversations, acknowledging that we all have shortcomings we are unaware of, and that we all carry some vestige of trauma that results in adaptive behaviours and coping mechanisms that can be the cause of rupture and conflict.
It’s about learning to receive feedback and to hold ourselves accountable.”
“Oof! It’s hard to write a piece about such a nuanced and complex subject such as this. Bear with me as I try to make sense of it (pun unintended), because whatever we might think of Call-Out Culture, calling others out for abuse or problematic behaviours isn’t by itself toxic, but the way some have appropriated it certainly is.
Many do so with little awareness of how calling out feeds the fire of unresolved trauma – the expression of unresolved and otherwise unexpressed rage…”
“November saw the publication of an extraordinary book, Sex Meets Life, edited by Anna Sansom, with a Foreword by Meg-John Barker. It truly is a unique anthology of writings about, well, the intersections of sex and life. There’s sex and ageing, sex and disability, sex and the menopause, sex and the trans experience, to name just a few…”
“Embodied Consent is central to so much of the work I offer, supporting people to feel safe in their own bodies. It’s also foundational to feeling safe in our intimate connections allowing access to greater levels of pleasure that we may not have known were even possible.
So I’ve created a simple resource of the Three Keys for Embodied Consent…”
“I’m increasingly discerning about who I work with, prioritising trauma-informed approaches and nervous-system regulation. In that vein, there are two festivals in particular I want ot draw your attention to that have redefined conscious sexuality gatherings, creating a new paradigm for what is possible with the highest standards of care, safety and ethics…”
“In my Substack last month, I explored the idea of Embodied Sight…
So it seemed a natural step, this month, to include another draft chapter from the teaching memoir I’ve been writing, Feminism Will Make a Man Out of You! – “How to Touch Your Lover” explores a little of the challenges and complexities of touch, especially for men, but goes on to the 1, 2, 3 Steps of Touch…”
“The tyranny of seeing is something we’ve come to take for granted as part of the “natural” way of things. But it wasn’t always so….”
“Your sexual energy can become a magnetic quality that not only draws people to you but can become a driving force that impels you through life, feeling connection and joy with every step…”
“At the end of last year, compounding my burnout, came not only the news of the US elections but also the judgements made at the Gisèle Pelicot trial. I felt such despair – the shame of being a man – that the overwhelm left me mute. Words are only just starting to find their way through now…”
“Conflict is necessary for intimacy.
Now, there’s a statement to make! In this article, I’ll discuss how important – perhaps even necessary – conflict is in enabling us to build trust and intimacy with each other. I’ll also give pointers along the way on how we might do just that (with some handy resources at the end)…”
“You may want to jump to the “secret”, but first, a little preamble… (I’m a terrible tease, or so I’ve been told!) 😉…”
“Rupture and repair is a part of life. Ruptures can’t be avoided (we are all fallible and wounded in our own ways).
It’s what happens next that matters most!
This is a simple structure to support you in having those difficult conversations…”
“I struggle with social media! Is it a generational thing or just my ADHD? Either way, something needed to change in how I communicate and engage, and my hope is that Substack may be the way.
You see, I really enjoy long-form writing. I gain real satisfaction from taking the time to get my thoughts clear and to communicate them in exactly the right way. I’m hoping this move will give me the space to focus on what I enjoy most (after working with people directly, of course)…”
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I offer Presence. Love. Acceptance.
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